"Why I continued something that I did not like."

It is one of those days that I cannot find a word for how I feel.  I am confused and hopeless and yet, I am thinking.  I watched a documentary that moved me a great deal.  I have always been inspired by Mehrangize Kar the Iranian lawyer and human rights activist and her family.  Today, a part of the film made me think about, us women.  Mehrngiz talks about her experience in prison and says "I was thinking why I continued something that I did not like  Why I did not throw away from my life anything that hurt me.  I wish I threw away everything that could not give me satisfaction.  Anything, a job or friends or family, husband, no difference   because I could not understand we cannot trust life."  She is a strong woman and she realizes this only after prison and struggling with breast cancer.  I think we put up with a lot f things everyday because making a change is so tough.  I have been trying to make a change in my life and it has been so tough.  it is hard to land on something that can make you happy and it is harder to make people understand not to judge you for taking big risks.  I am afraid of failing but I cannot go back....

My Apartment

Today, I felt tired after hours of cleaning and tiding up. I decided to lie down for a few minutes.  I went to my daughter's room and lay down on her bed.  It suddenly occurred to me how comfortable and peaceful this room has been for us.  We bought our apartment in July 2001.  My husband and I have been living here since September 2001.  The living room walls were very bright yellow.  I fell in love with the yellow walls and the brightness of the place.  I was young and full of excitement and had decided to decorate the apartment just the way I wanted..   I bought green sofas and white tables.  After a few years, we changed the wall color to green and made a lot of changes to the place.  I got new cream color curtains.  The living room looks smaller and darker with the new furniture.  The middle bedroom became our gust/ computer room.  We spent most of out time here either on the computer, reading or just hanging out.  After Lenna was born in 2008, we turned the room to a baby room and left the computer there.  I spent most of my maternity leave with my beautiful quiet little girl in this room.  I rocked her while listening to music, hugging and playing and sometimes, spending time on the computer while she was sleeping on my lap on her big pillow.  Even the night time was so nice.  I would rock her sitting on the rocking chair and feel the warmth of having her in my life.  The middle room later turned into the toddler room.  It is still our favorite room full of toys and fun things.  we decided to move many times for different reasons but could not find a place as fordable, nice and convenient location vice.  We love it here.  I know we will move to a big house in the next couple of years but I can never forget this home.  I really hope we can take all the love, warmth and memories of this place with us whereever we go.

Two birthday cakes for Family

Manly cakes I made

Baby Shower Cake

My New Hobby-Cakes

My Teenage Years

I grow up under a lot of pressure hearing what to do and what not to do from my parents.  I am the older child and have two younger brothers.  I spent most of my teenage years trying to impress my parents and worrying about not “making mistakes”.  The outcome was that I was suppressing myself and it built a lot of anger inside me.  On the other hand, I saw my brother who is 31/2 years younger than me go though an exciting and enjoyable teenage life.  He was not as restricted as me.  In rare occasions, he was told not to do certain things.  Most of the time, he ignored our parents and did what every normal teenager in Canada does.  I was never allowed to hang out with friends outside my home and go to birthday parties.   Growing up in an Iranian family, I did not feel the pressure as much.  Most of the girls around me were living under the same rules.  It was only after going to university in Canada, I realized that how much that pressure affected my behavior.  At the age of 20, I felt like a 50 year old woman with too many rules.  I did not even know how to party or simply let myself have fun.  I was lucky to find a partner in life who has a modern and liberal attitude toward life.  I have been able to liberate myself to some extent.  It is not easy to come out of the shell.  I don’t think I will ever be able to recover and take those years back.  I don’t think I will ever be able to feel what my brothers felt when they hung out with their friends at 18.  I only know that I will let my daughter grow up as free as my son.  Some of my friends used to say they wished to have sons and not daughters.  I always wished to have a girl and raise her to be a free woman. “as free as a human can be”.